As a warning, the picture is a bit, harsh, but this is strictly a blog on something that I have struggled with for many years, and writing about it is my release.
No one will every know the pain a person who has been abused feels on a daily basis’s. Child abuse doesn’t just stop when a child reaches adulthood. Everyday we struggle to overcome the demons in our own minds and hearts. Everyday, we wonder if we are suppose to live or die. Everyday we doubt ourselves, hate ourselves, don’t believe we are worth the breath that someone else takes to say, “I love you.” We hurt inside everyday. We may seem happy, carefree, put together on the outside, but on the inside its like razors that cut and cut deep. Every time we are hurt, lied to, given up on, ignored, something is said that makes us doubt who we are, is one more step back.
Abuse for me started at a very early age, long before I could even remember it. I was told when I was a child my own mother didn’t even want me. My father raised me, from behind a bottle. My step mother, beat me on a regular basis. Sure there was days she didn’t, but they was far and few between. I have been, burnt, cut, beaten, hit, bitten, my hair pulled, pinched, kicked, told that I was never going to worth anything to anyone. I have been told that I am a no-body, and no-body loves a no-body. I have been told I would grow up a whore just like my mother. I have even been left at the age of 10 at a rest stop and told that they wished some nasty trucker would haul me off and do away with me, so I would never been seen again. School wasn’t any better. I have been shoved in trash-cans, lockers, had firecrackers thrown at me, beat up by other students, asked out, and then broken up with minutes later, laughed at and make fun of.
I, no matter how bad my life is, I push forward. I am NOT giving up, and I will never give up. That is why I am writing this. I WANT people to know what person I am. I want to heal. To let go. To feel worth belonging. To feel loved, needed and stop crying all the time. I want to feel that FIRE, that one that burns deep inside to make me feel as if ….well, that ….I am good. I struggle everyday. I wake up everyday, trying to be better then all the things that are in the words above. Because, Damn it, I AM WORTH IT.
Remember, always reach for the stars no matter how far out of reach they are. I do everyday. I am a survivor. I refuse to let people hurt me anymore.
I am an attractive, intelligent, loving woman with a big heart.